there's something to be said about being happy at home. i feel like its been quite sometime where i have actually enjoyed being home. and now i finally do.

its nice co-habitating. i know it's only been a few weeks and we're not even all unpacked, but it just feels like "home". and i love it.

<3

today was aggravating.

it felt that people were intentionally trying to irritate me. for example, this afternoon, i said out loud "I'm going to take a shower",...within 2 minutes, my roommate was in the shower. Then about an hour later I said it again, and within 2 minutes he turned on the dishwasher. And it just got worse from there. And then to top it off this evening we had a work outting and at least 3 people commented on my chest size. I'm sorry, but I didn't realize that I've gone back in time to middle school.

some days I really with that I never got out of bed.

i know friendships come and go, just like the tides. some people we stay in touch with, and other people we don't. it's just the way life goes. but sometimes there are special bonds people share, that even the memory of bring great joy to our lives.

i had two very special friends for a few years, and i went my seperate way from them because i didn't think that they were very good friends. i didn't feel that they were supportive, and well, i guess i just needed to stand on my own two feet for once and not having those friendships made me become more independant. through the ever so popular myspace i've tried to rekindle those friendships that at one point meant so much to me. one of them seemed kind of open to reconnecting on a very superficial way. We've talked about movies and work and books together, but nothing more, nothing less. It's all very casual. The other girl, I really should say woman....i sent a brief message to, just telling her that i've missed her,...and she sent be a brief but important message. She experienced a huge loss last summer, and I had no idea. If I had known, even if we hadn't talked in a long time, I would have wanted to be there for her. But I didn't know. So I couldn't do anything for her. And I think she's hurt by that, just as I was hurt when she wasn't there for me.

I truly wish I could have been there. Because I really would have wanted to. Those friendships meant a lot to me. I feel like a little piece of me has been missing because of the loss of those friendships. And it just pains me so much that I couldn't be there for her. Because I feel like I could have really helped. It just sucks. The whole situation just sucks so much. Because it's not that I wasn't there, I didn't know to be there. I used to think we had a telekinetic friendship when we were close. Like when I was upset, she just knew to call me. I just really wish I could have been there. I wish I had known. Because I'm so upset for her right now. And it's been months since she's been grieving and I really wished that I could have been there to be a good friend.

I just don't know. She doesn't want to put the effort into a friendship with me. And that's fine. It's just one of those things,...that I'll have to get over. It hurts more than other things. More than Alex getting married, or not wanting a friendship,....this is more painful.

ok,...so i kind of take back that whole last entry. because i'm not broken at all. but i don't want to delete it. because that is how i was feeling that day,...and its totally valid. but i've worked through it.

and now i'm at the point where i want to be friends again. and perhaps the reason i was sad is because i wasn't invited,...and that's because we aren't friends and we're not a part of each others lives anymore...if that makes any sense.

i want to send them a card. i want to really meet her,...because last time,...well,...wasn't really meeting. it was more of a shock. and now...i'm ready. but i don't know if its possible to be friends because a friendship takes effort from both parties and he may not be ready. and it may not be allowed...as stupid as that sounds, it could be true. his wife may not let him be friends with me and that may sound stupid but i have to respect that.

but i want to send a card. or an email. and open that door to a friendship again. because i guess i'm ready.

finally.

I know this shouldn't bother me. But it does a little

http://weddings.theknot.com/pwp/view/co_main.aspx?coupleid=3264040711593750&guestpassword=

But then, I think of Walgreens and laugh a little. Ok, I laugh a lot.

so. i needed a change. hence, the new journal.

i'd like to think of this as my secret safe space where i can share my thouhts and feelings with a few, close, strong, female friends. so here i am. if you are reading this, that means, i think very highly of you. and i can only hope you feel the same way.

i needed to find a spot where i wasn't afraid of offending other people. because in using my freedom of speech, i can only hope i can be open and honest. and often i thought that only a few people really read what i was writing anyway.

women need each other to grow. not that men don't help us, but i feel that having a few close female friends is important. and i think i've realized this after my little trip to see Dawn and Lindsay. I hadn't had that much "girl time" in a while. it's something i didn't even realize that i missed until now.

so here i am.

<3